Life Is But a Song
by Pandora North Star
Summary: Sequel to "Spike and I Are in a Band", Spike seeks to make it in LA, but can his relationship with Buffy survive? Will Buffy survive in Sunnydale without him?
1. Default Chapter

Title: Life Is But a Song  
Author: Pandora North Star  
Notes: This story is a sequel to Spike and I Are in A Band which takes place after Once More With Feeling.   
Chapter 1  
Buffy went to the mailbox, not really looking for anything interesting, but bored. Since returning to Sunnydale, and attempting to work things out with Willow, part of her had stayed in LA with Spike. The part of her that wanted to be a rock star. The little girl inside of her who believed she was a rock star. She looked through the mail absently, until she caught the familiar scratch of Spike's handwriting.  
They had promised to see each other in a week but it had been almost two weeks and both were too busy. She hastily opened the letter tossing the envelope on the ground.   
She opened it and began reading.  
'Hey Buffy. I was never very good at this letter stuff. I've been working with a new studio and a new manager. I showed him some of your songs. He liked them. He thinks I really have what it takes. Imagine me on MTV or the like. Hope they don't want me to do any concerts in the park or something. Not that I would. I wrote you another song. It's attached on the bottom. I also wanted to tell you that I'm healing just fine. Of course a night with you would make sure I was fine. Get my drift? Later Luv.  
\\I walked by the ocean in the darkness  
And I thought of you  
For I love you like the tides  
Ever changing, always moving  
Together we are like the sun and moon  
  
You fill my world  
You're all I bloody think about  
And you drive me crazy  
I am pulled like the tides  
Your gravity pulls me towards you  
  
You spin my world  
You rock me, shake me, but please take me  
Don't let me be alone  
Sweet mother you're my goddess  
And you're fine  
  
My head aches and the distance is far  
But I feel you  
With every breath I don't take  
Like a pain, reminding me how much it hurts  
When you're not around  
  
Across an ocean, even by my side  
I'm alone when I'm not inside you  
Because I want to lose myself in you  
And become part of you//  
  
Buffy dropped the letter with a gasp. Dawn grabbed it. "What's that? A letter from Spike?"  
"Don't you dare." Buffy hissed snatching it away. Dawn looked at her with a hurt expression. How could Buffy explain how deeply those words settled in her soul? Did Spike have any idea Angel had said those very words to her?  
She had confessed that she was involved with Spike. They treated her much like they did the Buffybot when they found out about that. But she didn't care. She loved them, but they had crossed a line bringing her back, and it would take awhile to earn her trust back, and they knew it, so they let it go.   
And also, Giles was gone. He was going to tell her before she took off, but he was absolutely certain when she ran away. It hurt to no extent, and she guessed that was why she was so eager and so possessive of the letter.   
"It's private. I don't snoop in your journal, please don't read my mail." Buffy said more gently. She tucked the letter into her pocket and walked back inside with Dawn. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
Spike looked around his new apartment, small but neat. The record company had loved him, and they gave him start up money. He still wondered exactly what had happened with Joe. He knew the guy was a demon but he didn't know how it really ended, except that Joe was dead and Buffy loved him, from a distance.  
He sat down in a chair and reached for the phone. He hoped Buffy got his letter. He knew she would be mad that she couldn't send one back, because he hadn't had an apartment then. But now he did.   
"Buffy?"  
"Oh my god! Spike!" He held the phone away from his ear with a laugh. "I thought I'd never hear from you."  
"I'm sorry. I didn't have a place until now. Buffy they're great. They gave me an apartment."  
"Good. No big windows I hope."  
"No. Did you get my letter?"  
"Yes." He expected more of a reaction than that.   
"Well?"  
"I'm sorry Spike. That song. You said some stuff that really got to me."  
"In a good way?"  
"Ok. The line 'lose myself in you', Angel said to me when he tried to kill himself." Spike, waited for more, stunned.  
"I had no idea," he said at last. "I'm sorry."  
"You didn't know."  
"So when am I going to see you? It's felt like forever. I've been itching to kill something with you."  
"That's really romantic Spike."   
"That's me. Take it or leave it, and I know you won't leave it. You crave it."  
"Ew. Talk like that some more and maybe I'll hang up." She said in a husky voice. "You know you want it." she said mocking him.  
"When are you coming to see me? This city is so bloody boring when I'm not with you…or singing."  
"I dunno. It's been really slaytastic lately. I haven't had time off. I pretty much never have time off except for those 5 months where I was dead!"  
"Don't talk about that." Spike said sharply, surprised at himself for being so uncomfortable with the memory. "I mean it wasn't a good time for anyone."  
"Hello, talking to the one who was actually dead here." He heard a crash from her end. "I have to go."  
"Bye." He hung up the phone, and felt extremely lonely. He was lonely in Sunnydale but at least he had Willy's. Thinking about that he pulled out a phone book and flipped through for the name of a decent bar, or any bar. He didn't really care. One ad caught his eye. It was worded strangely, something he bet most people wouldn't notice. But a vampire or demon might. "Caritas." He murmured mentally writing down the address.  
He went to his room and looked around. It held a few changes of clothing and his guitar. A small television sat on a table. He grabbed his coat and left the apartment. Caritas wasn't too far away. It was down the basement of an average looking building. Spike recoiled at the disco moderness of it, but the moment he saw another demon he felt it would be fine. He would blend in, and no one would notice him.   
Take that back, there was a stage. He gave himself a mental slap. It was a freakin karaoke bar. He turned to hightail it out but a green demon in a disco suit grabbed him. "Not so fast Blondie. Name's Lorne. I own the joint. I'm a psychic Anagogic demon who reads minds of people when they sing."  
"Yeah. Good for you. See ya around mate." Spike tried to slip out from under the arm of the demon.  
"Not so fast there. I think I sense a song in you."  
"Yeah? Life's but a song, mate."  
"That's my point. We've all got one to sing. Caritas is the place to do it. I can tell you're having some troubles. Why don't you get up there and we'll see what we can do."  
"What am I going to sing? I don't even have a guitar."  
"I knew it. I could tell. You've got that look. Sing anything. Maybe a little…Ramones? The Clash?" Spike licked his lips. His first impression was to kill this guy, but now, he killed people who didn't play games, who could see straight through bullshit and bollocks.   
"Fine." Spike took the mike and clomped his way to the stage. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
  
"Spike…"  
"Yup." Buffy didn't turn to Willow but kept her eyes on the TV screen. It was the first real time they had been alone together, because Willow had brought Amy back by accident and there was the whole problem of her breaking up with Tara.  
Buffy didn't really want to talk, preferring to watch Dawson's Creek, the semi crappy show that kept her mind off slaying.   
"Please Buffy?"  
"I know you want to talk Will, and I don't know if I can say much more than I have. I don't know you anymore. If I ever did. I think you're really messing up."  
"I know. And it's all my fault you're messing up you're life too."  
"Excuse me? Mine life is finally become unmessy. Spike is the one good thing that's happened to me since I came back to this rotten world."   
"But he doesn't have a soul."  
"If you don't mind Joey is finally going to sleep with Dawson. I want to watch."   
"Buffy, you used to believe a soul was important."  
"Well, it isn't." Buffy crossed her arms. "Shouldn't Tara and Dawn be back soon?"  
"I thought you wanted to talk?" Willow asked in a hurt tone. "If you really don't I'm going to bed."  
"Night." When Willow left Buffy drew her knees up to her chest, feeling like a lost child. It was these moments, a few each day since she had come back from LA that she wished she hadn't. Anything would be better than this. She looked around the living room, and noticed under a pile of TV guides a cassette tape. Her heart leapt with joy as Buffy grabbed it.  
She had completely forgotten that she had a copy of her and Spike's songs with the music. Joe had given them each a copy but she thought she had lost it. She bet anything Dawn had gone through her stuff, because now she remembered Dawn wearing a shirt she brought, to LA. This one time she was grateful Dawn had overstepped her privacy bounds.  
She carried the tape into the kitchen where an ancient cassette player sat on a shelf. Buffy popped the tape in and turned the volume up high. Her voice came out first, kind of wavery. She shuddered. A real manager would never want her. She fast forwarded until Spike's voice filled the room. It was raw, but full of pain and soul. She smiled at the pun. He really could sing. She listened to it again and when she went to turn it off Dawn was standing there.  
"I-he sings well." Dawn said.   
"You guys are back." Buffy dried her face and smiled at Dawn.  
"I'm ok Buffy." She assured her sister, referring to an ugly episode with Willow, where the latter made a huge mistake. It was the majority of the reason Buffy was so upset with Willow. Willow wanted to make amends, and Buffy knew this but she was having trouble letting go. Dawn waved her arm. "I can't even feel it." She wandered over to the freezer. "We picked up ice cream the other day. Tara said I should save it to have with you. That's why she wouldn't let me get to much stuff at the movies."  
"Did you see anything good?" Buffy asked trying to focus.   
"We saw that new movie, with Brad Pitt. It was so good Buffy. You should come next time. I saw a box of snowcaps with your name on them."  
"You know my weakness." Buffy laughed, putting her hand over her chest as if wounded. "I'm thankful that Tara stayed around for your sake."  
"Me too. She's like a second sister. She and I became really close when you were-"   
"I'm going to go to bed Dawn." Buffy stood up from the table abruptly. "Goodnight honey." Buffy bent down to kiss Dawn's hair.   
"Wait a second. There was something Tara wanted me to ask you…What was it. Oh yeah. She had a question about your fights."  
"My fights?"  
"You've been winning right?"  
"I'm alive aren't I?"  
"But it's really easy. And you aren't really hurt?" Buffy frowned, in thought. Her left hand went to her right shoulder and felt a short scar. It was from one of the rough and tumbles with Spike. Now that she thought about it, he really was the only one who had hurt her. Sure she had a couple scratches but nothing as scar worthy as that.  
"You could say that. Why?"  
"She has this theory. She wouldn't even tell me. Well goodnight."  
"Night." Buffy continued upstairs, a little bit scared of what Tara was thinking. What was wrong with her? Spike used to dance around her, torturing her with the question, until she finally gave into him. She would find out soon… 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
Spike bowed at the applause and rushed off the stage. He made a beeline for the counter and waved down the bartender for a drink. As soon as he had that he scanned the room for the weird green guy. What was his name? Lorne, wasn't it?  
"Hey Lorne!"   
"Ah yes. The love sick blondie bear." Spike growled at the nickname.   
"So are you gonna sing me my fortune or what? I'm not adverse to a little bar fight."  
"I'd be amused to see you try. This place is charmed against violence." Spike cursed under his breath. What kind of place was this? Couldn't even get into an entertaining bar fight. "Why don't we grab a booth. We've got enough baggage to work through as a family on Jerry Springer."  
"Not featuring staying as long as that mate." Spike admitted.   
"You want it all laid out for you. You have no patience."  
"Hmph."  
"So you're saying the contrary?" A little smile appeared on the demon's lips. "Now we're getting somewhere. Of course you have patience. You would have waited eternity for that girl." Spike felt his face blush. He was a romantic. He couldn't help that. He couldn't even bury it with bloody William. "And why shouldn't you," the demon continued, after taking a sip of his turquoise drink. "She gives you a direction in life, a path to take. Something that keeps you above the rest of them." Lorne eyed the other vampires. "I know another guy like you, not the -"  
"If you say Angel I'll rip your throat, charm or not." Spike cut in.   
"Oh, I should have known you would know him. Must run in the family…How'd I know? You have a certain broody resemblance. And I'll bet you both look hot in leather pants." The demon grinned. "And the penchant for solving things with violence."   
"Shut up about that prancing nancy boy. We have nothing in common." Spike growled, coming close to morphing.   
"No?" Lorne questioned with a raise of his brow. "I would swear you both like the same girl. A little Slayer named Buffy?"  
"What of it? She likes a little monster in her man."  
"I don't think that's all of it." Lorne said gesturing for Spike to sit on a stool. "I read from your thoughts that she died, and came back. Seen it more often than you'd believe. This troubles you, because she comes to you now, and she thinks she loves you, after all that's what you've wanted but-"  
"But I don't think she really does."  
"And after you gave yourself to her cause you want more than this." Lorne continued, playing back and forth in sympathy. "Inquiring minds want to know, how are you going to make this happen?"  
"How should I know? I've tried all my bloody mind could think of."  
"Have you trying letting her go? If she comes back she's yours that's how you know, that's it's real that its for sure, and you're ready and willing to give him more, what a girl wants!"  
"Cut that out!" Spike snapped with embarrassment. No one noticed because they were all used to it. "How do I let her go?"  
"I think you'll figure it out." Lorne stood up, signaling the conversation was over. Spike made his way outside back into the night. He decided to take Kermit's cousin's advice to his unbeating heart. And as luck would have it, fate was working on his side, because the key to Buffy's heart was being revealed to her. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5  
"An Angel?" Buffy repeated.   
"That's what I think. All the signs point to it. The spell to bring you back was never finished and the powers that be did the best they could to finish it. That might account for your problems with Spike, how you felt incomplete, and his absence of a soul filled yours?" Buffy flushed with the poor explanation she had given Tara. "It also accounts for your ability to be so strong and not get hurt."  
"And this is bad because…"  
"It means you aren't real Buffy. And you can't finish living and dying until you are real."  
"So Gepeto, how do I become a real boy? I've done as many 'real' things as I could. If I'm an Angel wouldn't it be like the frog prince and poof a kiss or let's get real, sleeping with him, would make me real? Christ I even told him I loved him!"  
"But do you?"  
"I-I think so. I thought so." Buffy's brows knitted in frustration.   
"Don't worry. We'll work through this." Tara said comfortingly.  
"It's funny, how now that you're not Willow's girlfriend your more of a friend." Tara's head sank.  
"I'm sorry. Open mouth insert foot. I just mean, I'm grateful."  
"I know. Kindred spirits aren't we?" Tara gave her a small grin. "You should probably go back to your house, and Dawn. It's getting late.   
"You're ok."  
"Fine." Buffy left and Tara sat, pouring over her books. There was something she didn't tell Buffy. An Angel on earth comes with a limited price tag. There had to be a way to fix it, because as much as Tara hoped Buffy would truly love Spike, part of her was all pessimist.   
Buffy was getting a headache processing the information. She thought of the time a few weeks back in the studio battling Joe. He had taken something from her and in turn it had destroyed him. But maybe she had mistaken it for a love for Spike. Maybe it was something else, the glimpse of her soul, he tried to extract, the fragments of an angel reflected back on her.   
"Oh I need Tylenol." Buffy moaned, stopping in midthought. She knew something had happened in LA, something big, but not big enough. It had started the ball rolling in the right direction and she had to finish the game, or something like that.   
She found the container of ice cream in the freezer and pulled it close as she sank down to a seat at the table. After a few careless mouthfuls were downed she looked at the label. "Tin Roof Sundae." She said with a grin. "Now where's stock boy when you need him?" 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6  
Spike looked at the label executives, feeling sweat trickle down his neck. Maybe it was nerves, or maybe the patch of sunlight from the open window was making him anxious, but he was praying for all he was worth. He wanted to please them so they could go to the next step towards stardom. And also, he was throwing himself into singing to avoid making a decision about Buffy.  
It had been a few days since they had talked and she hadn't called. Of course, he hadn't tried calling her. He had been close, picking up the phone, only to dump the receiver back into the cradle. He was pretty sure letting her go didn't entail just ignoring her, but he was too afraid to make the next step. What if she didn't come back at all? He wondered what was going on in Sunnydale every minute of the day.  
His fingers slipped over the strings of the acoustic guitar as he desperately tried to control his nerves. He took a deep breath and stepped towards the stool. He sat down and nodded to the executives around the room. "Hello, I'm William and this song is called…My Pain." He launched into the song he had otherwise dubbed 'Spike's Song'. In the time alone he had decided that the name Spike wouldn't cut it. He needed something more human.   
Then he started singing one of the songs he wrote for Buffy. The one called "Listening to a Song." He wasn't sure which ones they would like to hear.   
And lastly he sang a brand new one, he had written the night before when he almost broke down and called Buffy. He had been thinking about everything that had happened between them and the pain of her death had come back, haunting him. It summed up and expelled all his emotions in a jumble of words.  
\\La da da da  
There's a girl who walks in beauty  
Who walks in the pain of the night  
She's does everything that's needed  
Always equaling the fight  
  
There's a girl who asks me  
If what she does is right  
And I can't say 'cos I can't tell  
All I know is  
  
I made a promise to a lady once  
And I make it every night  
I'll battle all the darkness  
Until happiness is in sight   
  
Some day God willing  
I will sleep eternally  
My soul resting with the stars  
She doesn't know  
But I want it  
  
All she wants, everyday  
In and out and running  
Fast as we can  
She's driving me straight to insanity  
And I love it  
She wants me  
She wants me  
  
I made a promise to a lady once  
And I make it every night  
I'll battle all the darkness  
Until happiness is in sight  
  
What can I say  
I'm a dreamer  
I'm a fighter  
I'm a restless spirit drifting in this world  
I'm mad, I'm crazy  
And she's leaving it all behind  
But I'll keep my promise…//  
When he finished he bent his head down, his eyes just able to see the men and woman. They looked at each other, each with a poker face, one or two nodding and shrugging. It felt like he was up there forever until one lone man sauntered up to the stage.  
"Hello." The man said. Spike stuck out his hand. "I must say your lyrics are intriguing. Not run of the mill love mush. And you've got the perfect look for a rocker."  
"But?"  
"But I'm not sure if a one man show will work. I have a band that's looking for a singer and maybe they want a song writer. Cos your stuff is good. Why don't you give me a call." The man slapped a card in his hand. Déjà vu. He was from Sony, Spike noticed before more people started swarming the stage.  
With the promise of a future some of the pain he had been feeling over Buffy left a little. 


End file.
